A heart in darkness

I'm in something of a bad place right now, and it's not the first time. What's particular is the timing; late winter and early spring have been emotionally and psychologically trying times for me in the last few years. The first instance that I came bring to mind was when I damaged my back. I had been on worker's compensation for well over a year at that time, and was waiting for the agency to deliver their verdict, after therapy was stopped because I was starting to regress. It took a long time for them to answer, and their answer was to return to work, everything's fine. AKA fuck you.

At that time, I had only had work experience in physical labor, and it was what I had assumed  would be able to do, previous experience and all. It was a very bad time, since that I couldn't actually return to my old job, and I was rather wary of pursuing such employment, which all led to me living on my own with zero income for a few months. It was tricky to say the least.

This led me to apply for call center jobs, first as a telemarketer (and what a glorious failure that was), then as a customer service peon. sadly, this was the best salary I had ever had. I was being paid more money answering the phone than lifting the heavy things and other blue-collar activities ever had.

This time the damage was psycho-emotional; after a few years, I was hit with a severe depression. My only advantage in that dark time was that I wasn't physically self-destructive; that was a double-edge sword, because while I did not internalize my anger, I externalized it, towards whatever happened to be near when the mood shifted dangerously. I never lashed out physically, but that didn't mean that I didn't strike fear into my partner.

I got mostly over my depression and returned to work, taking a break from the office to return to physical labor of sort. And I needed that vacation, to get back to a proper head space. The biggest trouble with office work is that lack of tangible result. You can work your ass off all day and all week, and at the end of it all, you have to start all over again, with little tangible result to show. With physical labor, at the end of the day, you have a shelf stocked, dishes washed, inventory moved from the truck to the warehouse, a deck built. It's real, it's tangible, it's undeniable. With office work, it's all about numbers and perception ans status.

I hit another low last year at about this time. Sleep issues that were work related. I had returned to call centers, in a different field, but ending with the same sort of dangerous environment; play the game, fake off, be hungry, the games that money and status demands. I was never big on those, so they got to me eventually. I did not enjoy the work, but  was somewhat addicted to the newfound status of now being officially middle-class for the first time that I needed to get help to find a way out. So I took a month's vacation, an sent out exploratory tendrils.

So I moved on; same field, better environment. Less of a rat race, improved salary and benefits, the works. And yet, troubles returned to haunt me and mine.

While I could say that it's not just me, and that it quite likely has an impact on me, I am surrounded with friends and acquaintances trying to plow through problems after problems, many of which are medicated, whether the meds are being taken or not. And throughout all of this, I have yet to address the anger issue. Oh, I had said I would, a few months back. But when you give yourself time to think about it, you find good, rational reasons to not do it.

Until you snap again.

Like I did yesterday. So I didn't wait. This time, I made the phone call, and I will force myself to not ignore the need and deal with the shark in the living room.

Deal with the shark, or it will deal with you. With extreme prejudice.

The procrastinator

Well, this week I was supposed to do my podcast along the theme of "the man in black" tribute. On paper, a good idea, in practice, a pain in the butt. Especially given my terrible tendency to put the set list together on Sunday night, to be delivered before I hit the sack, which usually means three AM.

Overall, a pretty dumb move. Its a two-part thing, really; on one hand, I like to keep it fresh, so the set list I put out is as close to the feeling of the moment as I can make it without doing it live, on the other hand, I'm a procrastinator. I keep delaying doing anything, no matter how small, or trivial, or how much of a benefit I'd get from it. Like a full night of sleep before starting the work week.

Anyways, enough bitching and recriminations, here's the playlist for this week's show:


those poor bastards - i walk the line
the cramps - big black witchcraft rock

scarlet and the zombie spiders - zombie werewolf
christ vs warhol - cross of lorraine
the sisters of mercy - walk away
alien sex fiend - i walk the line
sex gang children - sebastiane
imaginary steps - when i'm gone
flowers for agatha - the common enemy
miranda sex garden - peep show
red lorry yellow lorry - he's read
joy division - interzone
christian death - sleepwalk
skeletal family - she cries alone
ausgang - crawling the walls
soviet soviet - marksman
a touch of hysteria - non compos mentis
les yeux sans visage - neon lies
decima victima - un hombre solo
the cure - pornography
haus arafna - i did it for you
three winters - atrocities

Now, there's a couple of notes about this playlist: for one, I opened it with a Johnny Cash cover, which does sort of work with my planned theme. It's also one of the most interesting cover versions of any sort I've heard. Second, waiting till the last moment to do things means that I'm rushed and don't pay attention to little details, like spelling. I realized that I had made several spelling errors, which I find a little embarrassing, but that's being a writer wannabe for you.

Tune in to the show next Monday, where I'll be spinning it back towards electronics. Maybe. I'll see how the mood goes.

Man-whore

Another week, another playlist

Okay, so this week was something more of a regular week, so there was no theme. However, I felt rather strongly towards a more standard rock band lineup and sound, so it was another drum-and-guitar set.

young marble giants - credit in the straight world
cranes - reach (live)
christian death - this glass house
alien sex fiend - now I'm feeling zombified
red lorry yellow lorry - hand on heart
danse society - danse/move
she past away - sanri
skeleton hands - dotted lines
cold showers - bc
belgrado - in my head
pink turns blue - walking on both sides
fangs on fur - new coats
the cure - the hanging garden
bauhaus - the man with x-ray eyes
the cramps - human fly
balaam and the angel - two into one
clan of ximox - muscoviet mosquito
the royal family and the poor feat peter hook - voices
death in june - she said destroy
coil - heartworms

Next Tuesday, it's International Man in Black Day, celebrating the influence and legacy to a pair of true american rebels, Bill Hicks and Johnny Cash, so this will be the theme for the show. Wait to hear what I'll do with that.

Ladies' night

I've been DJying on and off for quite some time now. I've done my own promotion too, and did I ever learn some valuable lessons there (don't trust club owners is pretty much at the top.)

After my last gig fizzed out, opening the evening at Burning Mondays, I sort of fell off the wagon. Well, it's not so much that I fell off the wagon, as the scene and it's inhabitants preferred to all just the "hard noise" (or something like that) bandwagon, leaving any sort of rock variants in the dustbin. It's a bummer, especially since this town used to mean something, but that was a long time ago, and it's only been going steadily downhill.

One way or another, I've always been fairly eclectic in my musical tastes, which have been strongly influenced by the many DJs, whether in clubs or on the radio I have tuned to. I liked this idea that a good club night was not restricted to a single niche market; for one thing, it's a recipe for rapid failure, and this sort of elitism only appeals to a small crew of sycophants, who will abandon ship as soon as the new cool, elite thing comes along. It's not my game.

I had been playing with the idea of podcasting, or streaming a setlist on the internet for many years now, but never got around to it. It was mostly excuses, or the lack of motivation that stalled me. A friend of mine, Nikki, had been doing her show for a while online, and it turns out that a spot opened on the station that hosted her gig, The Katalepsia show. Now, I felt a little out of my depth at first, but I jumped in with both feet, and overall, I'm pretty happy with what I'm making.

I have some fun doing the occasional themed show, if the timing makes it relevant. I've done Hallow'een, Rememberance day, X-mass, New Years, and this week, it's Valentine's day, which due to the timing and general circumstances, I decided to drop the whole Hallmarks thing in favor of something more interesting: Ladies' Night. Here's the setlist, for your enjoyment and comments:


p j harvey - to bring you my love
nick cave and the bad seeds - loverman
bat for lashes - what's a girl to do
zola jesus - night
coi - windowpane
fad gaget - lady shave
kraftwerk - das model
new order - blue monday
the sisters of mercy - lucretia
pop will eat itself - wise up! sucker
x-ray specs - oh! bondage up yours!
bikini kill - rebel girl
shonen knife - she's the one
the cramps - what's inside a girl?
siouxie and the banshees - christine
bauhaus - she's in parties
trisomie 21 - the last song
vast - touched
joy division - she's lost control
the gun club - she's like heroin to me
voltaire - ex lover's lover
this mortal coil - song to the siren

I'm on Radio Zombie, running a show called Bloody Monday. You can stream or download the podcast, and it's free, so why not tune in?

An opening

How to open a new chapter: food porn.
This is what I call shepherd's pie.